Psychologically safety
London violence witnessed from youth instilled unhealthy hypervigilance. Leaving helped me realise it was trauma restraining freedom. Seek help to release lingering tension.
London gave me PTSD!
I must preface that I likely suffered PTSD after my father's passing. However, that doesn't diminish the role London played in heightening my anxiety.
I lived in a council estate for two early childhood years - barely a memory. The following twenty years were in a quiet, residential area, largely populated by doctors, teachers, students, and young families.
Despite that seemingly safe upbringing, the concrete jungle exposed me to its trenches.
In primary school, I was friends with the cousin of Damilola Taylor's murderer (unknown then). In year 7, a friend was stabbed and put into witness protection. Entering secondary school marked a period of heightened stabbings. I travelled between two feuding areas, resulting in fatal conflicts between associated gangs. In year 7, I witnessed a group of five year 10s attack a year 11. From year 9 onwards, several classmates were involved in organized crime. My peers carried knives; two friends got stabbed, and another gun-bucked. Most recently, a friend was gruesomely tortured, stabbed, and burned to death.
This is capital T trauma. I was in a persistent state of anxiety - cautious of every environment, avoiding "dangerous" locations up until year 10. I stopped wearing headphones, ensuring full sensory awareness. My hood was always half-up for full peripheral vision. Every night I'd check the locks multiple times, marching downstairs if unsure.
Having left London in 2022, I realised I had a problem. Why was I so anxious about doors? By sharing my experiences with my wife, it made me realise that my environment wasn't normal. Well-off peers from my area didn't experience similar trauma. Once away from London, I recognised my hypervigilance was unhealthy - London had taken my mental health hostage.
Visiting Tanzania, I felt a foreign sense of freedom and safety. My aura brightened with the absence of not thinking everyone was a threat.
If you underwent similar pain, seek help. Prayer assists me; find your outlet - therapy, writing, exercise - to release that tension and feel like your best self.
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